Relationships: Tearing Down the Walls

When I was preparing to speak on the topic of marriage recently, I searched for the right image to portray common difficulties and the need to develop a lifestyle of forgiveness, healthy communication and showing love towards one another in practical ways that can be felt. Then this image of the wall came to mind.

This scenario often happens in marriage: The wife feels misunderstood by her husband, so she lays down a brick between them. The husband thinks she doesn't show him respect, so he lays down a brick. She tries to pour out her heart to him, but he is headed out the door and doesn’t have time. Another brick. Burnt toast in the morning, another brick in the wall. Sometimes a wall is erected overnight when there is major trauma in a marriage, such as abuse or an affair. But there may be a small window left through which the two of them communicate civilly day in and day out. An occasional arrow is shot through the small opening, but the two of them continue to go through the motions of life on each side. They may even pray and serve others in many ways. The veneer of relationship remains while they deny or minimize the presence of the wall which stands between them.

Enter God’s plan for marriage. There is no relationship like it on earth, that is why the battle rages hot and strong to ruin this powerful, precious, most intimate of all earthly relationships. It is meant to represent the relationship between Christ and His church, providing a loving model for generations. When a couple settles for a marriage that is barely alive, then the damage reaches far beyond the hollowness of their own lives. Many people don’t believe they can find that place of closeness and love again. Like a driver who keeps running into trees and gets a new car thinking that will solve the problem, people often leave a relationship when difficulties arise only to run into the same problems again. Problems in relationships don’t solve themselves, healthy relationships can be learned.

Love is wasted on saints, love was meant for sinners (Mike Mason, “The Mystery of Marriage”). Marriage puts two people in the vice grip of love where feelings alone are not enough. The need for unconditional love, God’s love is apparent. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Cor. 13:4-6)

Do you sense a wall in your relationship?
Here are a few ways to tear down the wall and build a stronger marriage:

1. Grow in forgiveness
2. Learn to respond instead of react
3. Choose “we” over “me” when making decisions
4. Create boundaries to protect your relationship in place of walls that divide
5. Have a date night, coffee, lunch, or whatever works with your schedule
6. Talk and pray through issues and concerns periodically, but not on your date!
7. Learn the love language of your spouse (gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, touch, quality time) - Gary Chapman
8. Get help and advice from others when needed

T: The Terrestrial

Terrestrial – of or relating to the earth or its inhabitants; worldly; mundane in scope or character.

Recently I have been saddened by the "me-centered", so-called Christian messages out there. In Eastern Europe, many people have been duped into investing, and then losing, large sums of money by believing they would become millionaires if only they would invest in so-called Christian schemes. Then there is the teaching that God is all about making your dreams come true. Follow God, and you will be fulfilled – yes, you will, but not usually according to your wishes and desires. Often there are sacrifices that lead you to grow in your understanding and relationship to God, leading to even greater fulfillment and dreams that do not revolve around you.

Error #1: It’s all about me

I like mini Coopers. In our neighborhood in the center of Kiev there are four of them and when I go for a run, I pass all of “my” mini Coopers and admire them. One Saturday morning I returned home from my run and mentioned to my daughter with her friends present that one of my mini Coopers was dented. My daughter, Abbi, said to her friends “She’s just imagining it. I mean, they are really there, but they are not hers.” I had an immediate flash-forward to me at age 85 sitting in a nursing home and Abbi trying to convince the nurse that I do not belong in the dementia ward. I had, in fact, lived in Ukraine, New York and the Philippines, and yes, my stories were true. If life orbited around me, if life orbited around you, there would not be enough material possessions to satisfy. Our souls tend towards addiction and cannot be fulfilled by focusing on our desires. It is a trap that will hurt ourselves and others and keep us from all that God has for us. And sooner or later, we do grow old and leave this world, leaving our material possessions behind.

Pitfall: If you look to God as a formula for your personal blessing and happiness, then when things don’t turn out as you expected, you may bail out of relationships and turn away from God.

Error #2: It’s all about this life

Then there is the “save the world by our own efforts and goodness” approach. It sounds like this: let’s create programs to help people and do what we can to bring about a world of peace and harmony, but let’s leave out the offensive parts of the Bible, such as heaven and hell and sin. People don’t really need to hear that kind of teaching, it would just turn them away . . . or turn them to the God who loves them and offers salvation and new life.

Pitfall: You may end up lost and leading others astray with no life-giving, redeeming message at all.

The Christ-Centered Life

When our lives are God-centered through faith in Jesus Christ, we are freed from our small, sinful, out of synch worlds and brought into the fullness of His love and purposes, uniting us in healthy, vibrant relationships with others. And with the assurance of life after death in heaven for all eternity.

Any other message disappoints.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.”

(Colossians 3:1-5)

Keeping it Simple and Real

Sometimes life feels like a juggling act where one wrong move could send everything crashing in bedlam. Be kind to others. Look your best. Serve with excellence. Be smart. Use your talents well. Tend to all of your relationships. Meet deadlines. Stay fit. And all the while still smiling.

But I am tired of excellence at the moment and want to spend a bohemian summer reading some great books, writing and loving people, maybe even wear hemp clothing and funky jewelry. And as I am encouraged by God, I want to consider how to encourage others better and how to reach the young generation more effectively. And of course I want to get out and exercise in the beautiful summer weather and have fun with family and friends. And play my flute.

But wait, this is starting to sound like the same list, only packaged differently. The difference is that it is grace-oriented, not task-oriented, and fueled and refreshed by love. I am a choleric artist, an oxymoron, I know. Don’t try this at home. I am as driven as a race car driver with an idealism that is always elusive. I think I understand how Thoreau felt when he wrote: “Our life is frittered away by detail. . . Simpilicity, simplicity, simplicity!”

This morning I ran four miles and ate a bowl of cherries. Ukrainian cherries are the best. I am writing this in my “Drops of Jupiter” jeans and flip flops at one of my favorite neighborhood coffee shops. I think I will spend the summer this way and take it on into the fall, simplified and streamlined, not wearied by the minutiae of detail. Hey, maybe I can even spell something out of it. You know, one of those acronyms:

S eek God
I nvest talents wisely
M ake disciples
P lay often
L ove others
E njoy life

Real SIMPLE, that’s it, she writes with a smile as she sips her cappuccino and spends time with the important people in her life. (Painting of our region, Podol, in Kiev.)

"But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”
(Luke 10:41-42, NLT)

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."
(Matt. 6:33, The Message)

Rehearsing Goodness

God, it’s gorgeous. I see the flowering pink and white trees outside my second-story window, the glint of sun in the billowy clouds juxtaposed to the darkness of an impending spring shower. Just a few weeks before we leave this house in the woods outside Kiev, I look at my surroundings with fresh appreciation.

Change. Again. But the move is only across town to a high-ceilinged beautiful flat in my favorite old part of the city. The benefits of close proximity to people and places make it a good move. The fact is, change never lets up. It is a relentless march from childhood to old age or an inviting journey of wonder and new opportunities, beckoning us to grow and stretch in response. Take your pick. The challenge, from my standpoint, is smiling at the future.

Old painful scenarios can play out in our minds as a script from the past that we want to tear up and throw away. We want a new script where the heart does not hide and the repeating cycle of longing, fulfillment and letting go always leads to new possibilities in light of the deep, abiding constant of the unfailing love and faithfulness of God.

Yes, in light of this, smiling at the future is not empty-headed optimism. Swine flu and economic crisis, people coming and going, the landscape always changes. I was saved from sappy sentimentality just now because I don’t see a rainbow filling the sky with color as the rain begins to fall. When I was a small child, blonde curls bouncing, my father instilled in me the confidence I needed for life. I lived in trust and security, which seemed to stretch on forever. Years were eons compared to what they are now. Now they pass by rapid-fire.

And my heavenly Father says, “Trust, trust me. It is going to be good because I am with you, leading you, and I am good." Yes, mightily good.

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future.” (Proverbs 31:25)

Keeping Passion Alive

Is your passion for life at a low, embers about to burn out, at a high or somewhere in between? It is important to carry out our responsibilities regardless of emotion, but some things are hard to initiate or fight for without passion, such as being so moved by injustice that we must act, having the heart to go the extra mile to help someone in need, or engaging emotionally and joyfully with the people in our lives. These are only a few examples where duty alone is rarely enough. We need passion.

The reasons we lose passion don't have to be mysterious or attributed to our ability to simply flip an emotional switch. First, let’s look at the meaning of the word. One meaning of passion is eager interest in or admiration for a proposal, cause, or activity. It is synonymous to zeal, which implies energetic and unflagging pursuit of an aim or devotion to a cause; a strong liking or devotion to some activity, object, or concept. In short, it is about desire and motivation. Last week at International Christian Assembly in Kiev, Paul Pierquet addressed 7 specific things that can rob us of passion. Here are the points, borrowed from Rick Warren’s message.

1. Unbalanced schedule
Too much to do, too little time. Is every commitment on your schedule necessary? Do your top priorities get crowded out because you don’t have the time for them? Maybe it is time to refocus and do less or do what you do more efficiently, cutting out time wasters.

2. Unused talent
Do you find that you actually become more energized when you are doing what you do best? All the better if your vocation matches your talents.

3. Unconfessed sin
Sin robs us of passion, joy and peace because it gets in the way of our relationship with God. It also hurts others. But when we ask for forgiveness, we are cleansed, refreshed and strengthened to walk in ways that please God.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9)

4. Unresolved conflict
Trying to move forward with unresolved conflict can be like trying to hold a ball underwater; it keeps popping up. Long-term conflict is wearisome. Constructively working through our conflicts can not only help renew passion, but strengthen our relationships. We can’t be problem free, but we can have peace and strength when we deal with conflict together.

5. Unsupported lifestyle
We are created to flourish in community (family, church), caring for and encouraging one another. Isolation from others is simply not conducive to health.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another . . .”
(Hebrews 10:23-24)

6. Unclear purpose
Laboring to no purpose, with no goal in sight, and no hope of breakthrough can rob anyone of passion. But clearly defined purpose and expectations serve to motivate. Even better to purposefully use our talents, serving others.

7. Undernourished spirit
Not only do our physical bodies require nourishment and care, our spirits do as well. We need to devote a part of our day to prayer and Bible study. We never “grow out” of our need for spiritual nourishment.

If we can remove the “un” from any of these we may find in our lives and pursue health in these areas, we may find our passion renewed.